Alone

I stood staring at two sleeping boys in the bed. One was just five, the other one two. They looked so peaceful. The scene looked so calm. A third son moved within my womb reminding me of his presence. 

Yet I felt so alone.

Hours earlier I had just learned my husband had been killed instantly in a vehicle accident. The house was buzzing with people who had come to rally around us. But I felt so alone. 

Fast forward. Another weary day of homeschool completed. I crawled into bed exhausted. But I longed to tell Jim all about it. To rest my head on his chest and let the steady beat of his heart lull me to sleep. But he was in heaven. And I was here soldiering forward alone. Yet even as that thought came to mind, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "Emmanuel." God is with us. I was not alone.

Fast forward again. I was at the grave weeping. Again. Not for me. But for my son who was struggling. "Lord, speak to his heart like only You can." I laid my head on the memorial bench and poured out my heart. Just the Lord and me alone. 

Fast forward more years. I stood alone by the memorial bench. I watched on the phone app as my oldest son drove to his girlfriend's house. He was going to ask her to marry him. I was happy and excited for him. I felt the Lord with me as I sat down on the stone alone and wept tears of joy mixed with sorrow. Hopes and dreams for my son and his future bride mixed with memories of my own engagement and the man I loved and missed.

Then there is this year. Job searching. Trying to discern what God has next. Discussing things with my pastor. Praying and seeking God alone. Trying to silence the noise around me and the fears and doubts within to hear the Holy Spirit. The weight of needing to provide for myself was heavy. Then I heard a still soft voice firmly say, "I AM your provider." A reminder again that I am not alone. The Lord is with me. 

Reality is that I have never walked alone. Never been forsaken. Always been held. 
Feelings are not facts. I have felt alone. 

But the Lord was always by my side, every day, all the way.





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